10 Paths to Friendship

The 500 Things Project Ep. 26

This week I was going to share a list of books I’d recommend, but in searching for the tenth book I learned a fact that turned on so many lightbulbs that we are going to talk about friendship instead. Books next week.

The last few years - including a divorce, a faith shift, a new baby, and a long commute - have created a particular kind of friendship wilderness. While I’ve started reconnecting with old school friends, my schedule doesn’t leave much time for fraternizing. 

But connection is so important. Science says friendship extends our lives, but you don’t need to read the literature to know that truth in your bones. When I connect with a friend, I feel full and lit up in a way I don’t get anywhere else. I hear stories about women going on girlfriend getaways and out to group dinners, women who can pour their hearts out to their friends about work, marriage and kids, and I get insane envy. Where is my friend group? 

This week I dove into a book that’s been on my list for a while: Laura Tremaine’s The Life Council: 10 Friends Every Woman Needs. She talks friendship philosophies, values, and tactics, alongside descriptions of ten seats on what she calls her Life Council: a group of trusted friends gathered throughout a lifetime. I loved the inspiration contained in Laura’s friendship stories and the permission she gives to allow a variety of individuals to round out our friendship needs rather than putting all the pressure on a “best friend” or spouse.

The real magic for me came in the last section, where Laura writes a powerful collection of advice and encouragement on building and maintaining adult friendships, and in this one fact in particular: it takes an average of 50 hours of interaction to go from “acquaintance” to “friend.”¹

My jaw dropped. When was the last time, besides coworkers or my husband, when I spent 50 dedicated hours with any individual or group? I’ve gone on a couple friend dates and group outings, and then wondered how relationships ever drop into magical running conversation or “just swing by” interactions - have I just not met my people? - when the main thing is there just hasn’t been enough time.

So today’s list is for me, and I hope you find it helpful as you contemplate your own friendship rhythms: ten different ways to 50 hours of friendship-building interaction. Of course, 50 hours isn’t a hard and fast rule. It’s a general observation, but having this sort of goal post feels at once like something to reach for and a way to meter my expectations when it comes to building friendships.

10 Ways to Spend 50 Hours With Someone

1. Dinner monthly for two years

2. Coffee/drink dates weekly for a year

3. Book club that meets weekly for six months or monthly for one to two years

4. Brunch every Sunday for six months

5. Workout buddy twice a week for six months

6. Working on a project every other Saturday afternoon for four months

7. Attending an intensive training or workshop together over a couple long weekends

8. Co-working for a month (if you are in a position to be open & friendly at work)

9. Attending a retreat or conference together for a week

10. Going on a trip for a long weekend (bonus points for shared living space and prep work, like camping or road tripping in a shared vehicle)

Writing these out, I realize I should reconsider how I approach friendship building. One-off drinks or dinner are most suited to maintenance of existing relationships rather than building new ones. Meanwhile, events like retreats, trips, or projects are more likely to successfully build friendships in a reasonable time frame. Smaller pockets of time might be better spent in recurring groups with low to no ongoing planning energy, like a book club or craft group.

What do you think? Were you surprised by the amount of time it takes to make a friend? How does the research line up with your personal experience? Hit reply and let me know your favorite friendly activity.

Until next week, 

Love, 

Amy

1. She credits this fact to Adam Grant, but I found his newsletter and he quotes this Atlantic article from Ben Healy which references a study out of the University of Kansas.