deciding to dwell in hope

when you desperately need to change gears

Hey, chickadee. Welcome to Dunham Dwells. Here we explore the awkward mid-twenties, books, art, and connection. I’m so glad you’re here, but I wanted to let you know you can unsubscribe at any time if my news no longer fits your inbox! All love.

Dear friend, I imagine you've had a life season that felt like one curveball after another.

But what about taking a slew of life curveballs and knowing that you're responsible for all the awful pitching? Have you ever felt this way? This is a special kind of misery and I want us to talk about it.

It's got some interesting - and by interesting I mean exquisitely painful - layers, doesn't it? The circumstances that feel hard and unmanageable, one after another - right alongside the feelings of guilt and shame from knowing that you have been the author of your own disaster story.

Ironically, these same feelings of guilt and shame make us more likely to continue making lousy decisions, and the only thing for it is to 'fess up and start stepping in a different direction.

Starting now. Friend, I done messed a few things up. I'm sure the list is longer than I care to enumerate here, but for starters: I live in a yurt without running water. I actively cultivate a crippling hatred of my job. And a new (and possibly shocking - hold on to your hats) addition to the list: I am unexpectedly pregnant. I'll get to that in a second, I promise.

Perhaps you, like me, are really good at spotting errors. With the proper attitude, this makes us good editors and decent problem solvers. But with the wrong focus, it makes us tyrants.

For the past couple months, my focus has been on the negatives of my life and kicking myself for ending up here, which leaves me feeling exhausted and stuck. It's my default mode, and this week I'm seeing more than ever how it isn't serving me.

I'm beginning to consciously shift my focus towards gratitude, towards connecting with others, and towards the possibilities that are all around me for moving forward.

Does this mean that I'm now a sparkly ray of optimism, waking each day with a spring in my step and a get-to-it attitude to overcome my obstacles? Absolutely not. But it starts, as always, with awareness. The famous twelve-step method doesn't start with perfection. It starts with the sentence of acknowledgement: "My name is, and I am an alcoholic."

So this next week, I may tell you that my goal is to get to work a few hours a day. But my actual goal is both smaller and bigger: to treat myself with gentle compassion as I continue to tell myself the truth. And then, do my next right thing - which might just be to go to work.

Re: Pregnant.

Yep, that happened. I swear it’s not an April Fool’s joke in poor taste. I'm 10 weeks in and due in late October. If you're a human, you likely have 100 questions and also some advice you'd like to give, but I'm going to ask you hold off on both for now. All will be told in time. For now, know that baby and I are healthy (although I've been sick as a dog the last few weeks with morning sickness) and my partner and I are well.

Thanks for sticking with me. I’m cheering for you wherever you might be and whatever curveballs of your own you’re dealing with today.

Love,

Amy