dwelling in mild panic
some thoughts on growth over fear
Hi. Welcome to Dunham Dwells. Here we explore the awkward mid-twenties and connection. Today, a pep talk … to myself. Thanks for being here.
So. I get to expel a small human from my body sometime this fall.
I say it like that because the words “pregnancy” and “due date” don’t hold full weight for me. They cover too much up. Also because I think I’m being clever. Really there are no words that can properly convey what my body has to do in just a few months.
My partner and I started watching an online birth class this week. I’ll spare you details, but one of the teachers told her own birth story with accompanying video and by the end, I simultaneously wanted to hit everything, vaporize myself, and hide under a blanket for the rest of forever. I settled for abruptly shutting my laptop and bursting into tears. I’m handling this really well, guys.
Here’s the thing. I have not heard a first-time birth story that does not involve the phrase “hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
So my mind turns to the hardest things I’ve ever done. I’ve run a 50k.* I’ve backpacked a couple hundred miles, cumulatively. I know birth will be harder. Give me either of these again in a heartbeat, if it meant avoiding childbirth.
But I also… left my first marriage. I struggled through depression and homesickness my first semester of college. It surprised me to hear myself thinking: Give me childbirth in a heartbeat, rather than going through those again. Give me this side of growth and my new little family, every time.
I’m certain I will still be an absolute mess, but I want to do my best over the next four months to keep this front of mind: I can do and have done hard things, and I can do this, too.
Moms, give it to me straight: what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done? Everyone else: same question. I’m curious. Thanks for being here. I appreciate your reading more than you can know.
Love,
Amy
* I do wonder whether running a 100 miler would be harder or easier than birth, but the thing is, unlike this baby, I probably wouldn’t let a 100 miler sneak up on me without adequate training, and also, you can quit a 100 miler at any time. Dad, what do your female running friends say?
I don't think childbirth is harder than a 50 miler. Delivery is usually shorter than a 50 miler. I do recommend the pain block so you aren't too exhausted when it's time to push. Within hours of delivering your baby, you will forget any pain and be completely focused on doing everything you can to protect and care for your baby. But since you mentioned depression, you will need to be paying attention to your mind and watch so you don't slip into post partum depression. I've had one vaginal delivery and one C-section. I recovered faster from the C-section and didn't need my pain meds.