10 Things to Not Host

The 500 Things Project Ep. 3

I am not a hostess. Hosting stresses me out. But I do it anyway, because I find gathering to be immensely rewarding. Plus, everything gets easier with practice. In the last year, I’ve discovered my favorite tactic when it comes to hosting: don’t host.

Last winter, I wanted to host a nice dinner. I sent out paper invitations and everything. A few days beforehand I found myself crying with exhaustion - not from the idea of hosting by itself, but coupled with the fact that I lived, by my own choice, in a yurt without running water. I texted my friends and said, with regrets, this year’s gathering is canceled. 

To my surprise, my partner got upset - not that I had canceled, but that I had canceled without consulting him. I hadn’t remembered the most important thing: I wasn’t alone and I didn’t have to do it - host the dinner, or live in the yurt - alone.

This last October, nine months pregnant, when I wanted to gather my friends for a pumpkin carving party, I asked myself how I could actively not host the event. I asked for specific help from my partner and sent out tasking requisitions along with the invites: I needed a playlist manager, a lunch chef, a pumpkin seed roaster. My guests went above and beyond, volunteering to bring extra food and saving us with a collection of pumpkin carving supplies that would have served a small army. It was magic.

Now that I have an infant, I have even less margin to host anything (although it’s amazing the focus that I can conjure during baby-free time), but I’m looking forward to ways we can continue strengthening friendships and spend time with others this year. Here are ten that I can think of:

1. Gal-entine’s Day

2. Sunday brunches

3. A weekend retreat

4. A listening circle¹

5. Day hikes

6. Reading days

7. Arts & crafts night

8. Friendsgiving

9. Group vacation

10. In-person Hygge Day²

You might think that Not Hosting sounds more intimidating than hosting - ask your guests to do work at a party? But here’s the secret: guests want to help, and when done well, it makes for a more meaningful gathering. Guests as hosts infuse a gathering with more ownership and purpose. 

What’s the best gathering you’ve ever been to? What made it special? If you host, what’s your favorite event to host? Let me know.

Love, 

Amy

1. Listening circle: This is a Quaker tradition that Parker Palmer discusses in his book, Let Your Life Speak. You gather trusted friends to discuss a decision you’re facing, maybe a job transition or something similar. The twist is that the listeners are only allowed to ask questions, not make or offer judgment. I’ve never done one, but I’ve been fascinated by the idea since I learned about it.

2. Hygge Day is a holiday I made up because sometimes January can be depressing as hell, and we need light and friendship to make it through. Hygge is a Danish word that means cozy, usually in the form of candles, and comfort, and safety among friends. In past years, I’ve celebrated with a conversation about friendship via Zoom, and I would love to have an in-person gathering as well.